Women’s March 2017

On January 21, 2017 I participated in my first Women’s March and it changed my life.

Something changed in me that morning, I had decided 30 minutes before leaving that I was going and if I had to go alone it didn’t matter. I felt obligated to take part in something so much greater than me.  Now if I’m completely honest I had never been the person to go to protests or marches but something told me that I had to do this one, and I’m so glad that I did.

As someone who is usually an anxious wreck with huge crowds of people I’ve never felt as safe as I did by myself that day. I knew I was safe and I knew that if need be every person in this crowd was a genuinely good person. How could I possibly know that? I don’t even know…but I did. I made friends with people I would have never met if it weren’t for this march.

To be completely honest I found myself emotionally shook so many times throughout the march, when such inspirational speakers spoke words of hope and anger, I was overtaken by what felt like enormous feelings that made my chest heavy and my eyes tear. I have never felt so inspired, inspired to do great things, inspired to believe in myself and my peers with everything I have. I was and still am overwhelmingly proud of the city I call home. There was a point in the march where only men were chanting the words “her body, her choice” and that fixed something in me. I knew what I was doing was right, I knew that the thing that was pulling me to participate was a need to get to know the real type of people that live in my city, and I am now aware of the THOUSANDS of legitimately great people that inhabit Los Angeles and surrounding areas.

In a time when we’re at the forefront of what seems like a revolution I need to know that I was involved, I need to fight for the kids I work with and the women who fought for me. I don’t want to let this opportunity slip, I can’t. I can’t sit by idly while human rights are being stolen and our new administration fuck up my country, I CAN’T. I sort of crave being around people who care about real shit. Fuck reality tv, fuck celebrity drama, fuck trump, I’m not here that, I’m here to try and make life even a fraction easier for the future generations who are growing up with a bullshit celebrity for a president. At work election time was stressful, not on me but on the children I worked with. They didn’t know what to expect and they were terrified. They didn’t know if their families were going to be kicked out of the country and they cried, how could they not? Their future president was on tv making all these promises that were going to affect them, he was being cruel, he was name calling, he was doing all the things we (educators) have always taught them not to do. As if they aren’t stressed enough.

I saw the Women’s March as a chance to do my part, even if it’s just showing up and walking. Women’s Rights are human rights. Black rights are human rights. Muslim rights are human rights. LGBTQ Rights are human rights. Immigrant rights are human rights. You don’t have to agree with me but let me ask you this, if there were never any protesters/ marchers do you think you’d have all the rights you do today? If those people that marched in the late 50’s early 60’s didn’t march where do you think we’d be today as a country? The human race needs to take care of each other not limit each other. We need to consistently work together to make things better, and no it’s not going to happen overnight but why not help it happen faster?

I applaud every single person in the world that marched on January 21, 2017. We need to be better, we need to do better and the only way we can do that is if we work together for each other. I applaud the parents that took their children, I applaud the men that stood up for women, I applaud the city council member and celebrities that use their voice for good, and applaud the women, who even in the midst of having our human rights jeopardized marched with their heads held high and their signs held even higher. This is only the beginning, the work has just started and I’m ready and willing and I applaud the rest who are as well.

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Me and Mary Jane

In a time when cannabis has become increasingly popular, due to more and more people becoming educated and finally listening to the actual facts I’m here to give a few reasons to try if you’ve been thinking about. Now as most of us the first time I smoked pot I was in middle school and my crush had weed and asked me if I wanted to try it and I did. Initially I was scared, what was gonna happen? What was it going to feel like? As a teenager I didn’t like it, I felt to aware, borderline paranoid, I felt like every single person knew I was high and was judging me for it.

THAT’S WAS A VERY LONG TIME AGO.

Now, as an adult I part take pretty much every day, it’s actually helped me sort of know myself a bit better and I’m here to tell you that it could probably help you too and here are 17 examples how:

1. Colors seem brighter
2. My mood is better
3. I’m nicer
4. Stupid people are easier to ignore
5. There’s this great roller coaster feeling you get if you get high enough
6. I’m more open to sharing feelings
7. Yoga feels 10x better!
8. Ridiculous anxiety? GONE!
9. Stressful things seem less stressful
10. It got me through my ¼ life crisis
11. PMS
12. Life is funnier
13. It made dieting interesting
14. Music sounds better (most)
15. Its idea inducing!
16. Awkwardness doesn’t really faze me.
17. When I read high it’s easier to visualize what I’m reading

 

Now I’m certainly not here to pressure anyone into smoking ganja, I’m simply here to let you know that you aren’t a bad person if you do. Through the years there’s been so much negative backlash when it comes to smokers and all the stereotypes and stigmas that come with being what many refer to as a pothead, fuck that. I’ve been a medical patient for almost 2 years and a recreational pothead for about 8 years. I’m fully capable and functioning, I’m extremely responsible and do what I gotta do all while high. I choose to be very open with that fact that I smoke pot and I know how many people judge me when they find out, but I don’t care. As someone that’s been an anxious wreck since I was 9 I’m completely able to manage my anxiety with medical marijuana. I’ve tried the pills, NO THANKS. I enjoy being able to feel and want to continue doing so. This is obviously a very personal choice and I know for a fact that weed is going to get me farther than any pill can. So If you suffer from any type of anxiety, sleeping disorder, or hell, just want to kind of let go while still being in full control of yourself, and curious, try it. If you don’t like it, don’t do it again, but if you do and it helps, do it, do it proudly and know that your opinion is the only one that should matter to you.

My Journey Through “Fat Fashion”

Plus size, chubby, voluptuous, FAT. These are words that have been everywhere all my life, and not in a bad way every time. I can honestly say that I have no idea what it’s like to be continuously bullied for being overweight, of course there have been people that tried, tried and failed miserably. The one time I was called fat I felt like it should have hurt more, but I didn’t let it. I decided that day that the word fat wasn’t going to ever make me feel bad or sad or embarrassed. I took it and I used it and I made sure it felt like every other word. That made it kind of hard for potential bullies, you can’t hurt someone unless they let you. However, the person that was the worst on me had always been me. I was always my biggest bully. Thinking back it started in 6^th grade, which was the first time I realized that I didn’t like myself and I would go on doing so secretly until I was around 19 almost 20. No one knew exactly how much I disliked being me, no one knew that I would spend so much time obsessed with the idea of not being me. As a teenager I had a lot of great friends, a supportive and open family and I always knew that I could talk to any of these people judgement free. But well, I’m not a big talker and expressing feelings didn’t come easy. Just because I could say the word fat didn’t mean I was okay with being fat. I taught myself how to hate myself without anyone around me finding out. A lot of the self-hate came from knowing I was fatter than most of the people my age and the fact that never really felt like I could pull off any of the clothing that was “in”. (Because yes, at 15, 16, and 17 you want to fit in, it’s a completely normal thing to want.) So I wore clothes that were usually muted and bland, you know, the things that fit fat girls. Things that were sort of squared because how dare someone this size wear something formfitting. That is until I went to my first Fat Girl Store, yes, this is the name I gave stores that carried plus size. I like to say Fat Girl Store in front of skinny people to make them feel weird, I know it’s horrible but it’s so funny. And then you get the, “omg you’re NOT fat”, and I’m just kind of like, yeah I am but whatever stop being weird. Anyways, I found this store at was I refer to as the best mall of all time, and I felt like thee most satisfying sigh and feeling of “finally” ever. The clothes were great, they were different, they fit and that was the most satisfying part. I felt like I could finally express myself fully through clothes, and I think that that’s what I needed. I remember the feeling of trying on jeans that stretched in all the right places and wanting to cry, it was a very poetic day for me.

The next best thing I did for myself was learn how to sew and alter my clothes to fit me, this something I still do to this day. There was a huge struggle to find plus sized skinny jeans that weren’t low rise in any store at one point, so I had to do it myself. I hated seeing other big girls sitting in those single desks in school with their ass hanging out because they only found skinny low rise jeans. So I’d buy my jeans from the fat girl store and customized them to fit me.

I started to notice that when I felt like I looked my best is when I felt the best. This is what I needed, I needed to know what made me feel good, and clothes made me feel good. CORRECTION; clothes that fit made me feel good. So I took that a ran with it, I wore what I wanted to wear, I followed trends whether or not they were “made for someone like me”, I chose not to care, I chose to say hey fuck all of you this is what I’m wearing, deal with it. There are articles of clothing that I still prefer not to wear and parts of my body that I rather not show but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have self-confidence, so don’t get it twisted, I don’t wear short skirts because that’s just not my style right now, I don’t wear spaghetti straps because I feel naked when I do and that’s not usually the feeling I’m going for, you know? But that’s also not to say that I’ll NEVER  wear them, I mean there was a time in my life when I just didn’t wear jeans, I swore I hated them and well now that’s all I wear.

I guess my point is you don’t need excuses for what you like and what you don’t, fat fashion is a struggle as it is, don’t make it more complicated by limiting yourself. If you listen to the people that say you shouldn’t you’ll never have any fun. Make them uncomfortable with your curves, remember the fact that they’re uncomfortable is their own problem, not yours.

So, i joined a dating app for 4 hours…

I joined a dating app for 4 hours today, it was exhausting. Dating apps are so intimidating! They scare me and I want them to go away now. We live in a time where so many relationships have been made possible thanks to dating apps, so my brave self finally decided to try one. You know I think the thing that frightens me most about dating apps is the fact that people I know in real life can see my profile, I mean it’s not like they’re going to judge me and if they do I don’t actually care, I just think that that’s an awkward conversation to have. The “oh hey I stumbled across your dating profile last night…” conversation, no thanks.

I envy the people that thrive on these dating apps though, there are some profiles that are just so thought out and make them seem so interesting, how do you do that?! Maybe I’m just not good at summarizing myself, maybe I feel like these apps are a great for a quick fix. Like they’re for people that find it easy to trust strangers, something I know I’m horrible at.

So within minutes of filling out this profile to the best of my abilities the messages, likes and visitors kept pouring in and it started to overwhelm me a bit honestly. I panicked, I felt like I had to be superficially interesting and interested, you know? The conversations start with a “HI” (insert heart eye emoji) or a “Hey Beautiful, send me a pic” and it’s like no, I don’t want to send you a picture you stranger! Small talk has always made me very uncomfortable, you know, the “so what’s your favorite color?” type conversations. I don’t get them. Then you refuse to send them a picture and suddenly you’re the worst person ever, how dare I not send this complete stranger a picture of myself when there’s one on my profile…WHAT? Why do these men feel like I owe them anything? WE’VE NEVER MET! So I deleted it. I couldn’t grasp the fact that so much was expected, and if it wasn’t delivered or it didn’t go their way I was a tease or bitch cause I didn’t completely trust this person behind the phone screen. I’m sure there are great people on these apps, somewhere, I just don’t have the patience to deal with the jerks and men that think I owe them something.

I yearn for simpler times when things were a bit more difficult, yes I just wrote that. It’s so easy now a days to find someone to spend the night with, but is that all we really want? I want insightful conversations with someone who thinks differently from me, someone who challenges me and doesn’t just go along with my ideas or opinions because it’s convenient. I truly believe that meaningful friendships and connections are much more soul fulfilling and needed. Sure, things that are easy can sometimes be great, but I think when you work for or towards a friendship or relationship it’s greater because you built it and it didn’t come easy and it took time. Why don’t we want greater for ourselves? Why are we settling for things that are just easy? I think we’ve become conditioned sort of, conditioned to aim for convenience rather than substance, I’m not sorry that I want substance. I’m not sorry that I want real. And this isn’t to say that there hasn’t been great relationships that come from these swipe apps but what we’re really doing is deciding that someone isn’t interesting based on an online profile and a selfie. I don’t know, maybe I’m old fashioned, maybe I’m just threatened by dating apps, maybe I need more, and that’s okay to want more. You should want the best for you and if you feel like you are settling, don’t. If you feel like you’re running out of time, you’re not. Want more for yourself because damn it you deserve it.

Open Letter to my Extroverted Friends; I love you but also, i hate you.

Introvert – a shy, reticent person.

Reticent- not revealing one’s thoughts or feeling readily.

 

All my life sharing feelings, thoughts and emotions has been a frightening concept. Talking face to face with someone about my “problems” has never been something I could easily do. I’ve tried so hard to understand how people can be so open about their inner most feelings. Sorry, but give me 10 years and then maybe I’ll open up to you…okay that was an exaggeration, but seriously, how do you trust so many people with so many thoughts and feelings? Now it’s not I’m embarrassed by what I feel or think I just don’t think I can eloquently express my thoughts or feelings in a face to face conversation. That’s not to say that I’ve never had a real ass conversation about thoughts and feelings it’s just that when I do I’m so uncomfortable with it (unless there’s been some sort of liquid or herbal encouragement). Public speaking has always made me turn this deep pink color in my cheeks, my beet colored face shows my embarrassment and it’s just never been something I could hide. I’ve always watched others while they’re speaking in public and wonder how the hell they do it, and honestly I’m somewhat jealous.

 

An Open Letter to My Extroverted Friends; I love you but also, I hate you.

I’m not sorry that I can go days or weeks without needing human contact and I’m not sorry that I can’t open up as quickly and as extravagant as you do. I’m also not sorry that I’m so quiet around those new people you brought me around or that I don’t live my life as loudly as you do. I am sorry though that you don’t understand me. I am sorry that you think I’m anti-social when really I’m just cautious. I’ve learned so many useful life lessons from being friends with extroverted people, and as much as I don’t understand you, I love you for that. I love that you aren’t afraid of being you as loudly and as vividly as you can. I love that you can read my face and social cues and save me from those very awkward situations you know I hate. Your courage and ease is something I will always envy. My love for you is greater than my second-hand embarrassment for you, and that’s’ really saying something, I mean, I can’t even watch shows like American Idol cause it’s so embarrassing. Please, just stop asking, “omg why are you so quiet?” and, “why are you turning red right now?” cause seriously that’s just gonna make me even more red or even quieter.

In conclusion, no, I do not hate extroverts, y’all just make me nervous, with your reckless emotional sharing, but I also love you for it.

Things I’ve Learned From Working With Kids

I got my first real job when I was 19, I was fresh out if cosmetology school and I had decided that it wasn’t the profession for me, so instead I interviewed for an after school position and I got it. Since then I’ve spent 6 years of my life working with children and let me tell you, no two days have ever been the same. I’ve met every kind of kid there is to meet, the weird, the bad and the just plain evil, inevitably leading myself to wonder whether or not I actually want children of my own. Here are a few things I’ve learned about kids:

• Kids are the most honest little beings ever!
• If a kid ever tells you to smell their hand, DO NOT DO IT!
• Kids do not know how to lie. (this just might be an acquired skill)
• Kids know where your buttons are and they will push them, they will push you.
• Kids control their parents.
• They are always listening, they are like little sneaky spies with amazing hearing.
• Kids are completely aware that they indeed are kids, and will use it against you.
• Kids are hilarious!
• If a child hates you, don’t even try.
• They form cliques way earlier than you’d guess.
• That facial expression you just made towards that dumb person, they saw it.
• They learn how to blackmail in the 2^nd grade.
• You can definitely have intellectual conversations with some.
• The weird ones are always the most understanding ones.
• Kids are mean.
• Kids need time to be kids.

As much as I might dread going to work some days I genuinely enjoy doing what I do, these children have really kind of put a lot into perspective for me. There are those kids that will always like to be the class challenge but most of these kids are unknowingly hilarious, caring, and just plain great, even if they do start a school wide rumor that you have a crush on the principal. Don’t worry I’m already planning my retaliation, after all that is what school Halloween haunted houses are for. Kidding, not really.

THINGS

Women, one of earths most confusing creatures, I’m allowed to say this because I am one. I believe that so many things come with being a woman. We have ideas and strategies that are embedded in us, things we’ve learned to do since birth. Some of those things I feel, are extremely detrimental to us and our minds, not all, but some. I think many of these things are sort of defense mechanisms and some, well some are just plain old things, and they go as followed, we;

• Over think everything
• Secretly judge that girl next to us (not always in a bad way)
• Ask questions when we already know the answer
• Hang out with that one friend we don’t really enjoy
• Buy shoes that hurt
• Wear fake eyelashes even though they are so hard to maintain throughout the damn night (this might just be me)
• Watch rom-coms and then get angry that our lives aren’t rom-coms (romantic comedies)
• Listen to Ed Sheeran or any sad song playlist (I genuinely love him and his poetically beautiful masterpieces)
• Try and change and/or “save” guys
• Make wedding playlists (might just be me again)
• Cyber stalk old friends, exes, any and everyone else, aka snoop
• Read old text message/e-mail/IM conversations and become sad
• Buy that one lipstick that’s maybe a tad bit too bold for you, and you know you’ll wear it maybe once and never again, but you buy it anyway
• Exude indecisiveness, even when we know exactly what we want
• Have trouble letting go
• Care, so much, about people we probably shouldn’t

Now I’m not saying all of us are the same, obviously, but for the majority of us, we do all these things and don’t even realize how much of our time we’re wasting on things and/or people that don’t deserve it. We think until we’ve thought of every single possible  outcome or scenario that can happen, instead of just doing what we want and not worrying about every single thing that can go wrong. Sure, in life things will go wrong but that doesn’t mean that you stop living or stop taking chances, it means that you learn from that chances you’ve taken and grow.

There are so many more things to add to this list, and don’t for one second think I mean to say that all these things are bad, they aren’t but some, some are wasteful of your time and some are just THINGS. And things, if important, aren’t just things.

                                                                                            GirlChurch

                                                                                                         x

How To Help Yourself Fall OUT Of Love

In my life I’ve been in love, real, honest love, once. It was the greatest thing of all, the feeling, the security and most of all, the comfort. I’m not one of those people that can easily fall for someone, it takes time, lots of time and lots of trust (two things I don’t like to waste).

In my life I’ve had to fall out of love once, and I can easily say that it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. My comfort zone had been demolished by the person who built it. It was as if he destroyed all the walls I had up and built a new, beautiful place in me where I was completely content then proceeded to burn it down with his own two hands. I know how dramatic this all sounds, but I’m trying to give you a glimpse of what I felt and what was happening inside me. When you have to get over someone, forcibly, it takes heaps of time and patience. You have to be very patient with yourself, I think sometimes people forget that it’s okay to be easy on yourself at times. It’s okay to let yourself cry and it’s okay to be alone. Too many times when trying to get over someone we automatically think that we need to be with someone else, but that’s not healing you, that’s masking the hurt and lying to yourself.

I’m no expert in love, obviously, but I know how to heal myself and I feel like after my whole “love ordeal” I know a thing or two and here are a few things that helped me get over my mess of a relationship…

• CRY. I cannot tell you how important this was for me. I’ve always thought that crying made you this weak person that couldn’t control themselves or their emotions, but I was so wrong. There is no better feeling than the one that comes after a good cry, I’m talking an ugly cry, a cry so epic that after, you have this huge feeling of relief. Best free therapy, no contest.

• TALK! If you’re anything like me, you hate talking to people about your feelings and you probably feel icky just thinking about of having to explain what you feel to someone, I get it. Sometimes there are no words, but there are nights when taking just feels right (alcohol is usually involved on these nights) use those days and take advantage!

• WRITING. For me, writing is the best way to express myself. The things I write I could never say or articulately explain. I keep 6 notebooks, a twitter account full of nonsense and a tumblr blog, and I use all of those outlets to write.

• CLEANSE. Don’t keep things that remind you of this person, get rid of everything. This was one of my mistakes, I kept things, things I thought meant something, in the end they just reminded me of him and the things we did. As soon as I got rid of everything I felt this weight lift and I felt like I could breathe and I wasn’t scared of the top of my closet anymore.

• DON’T CYBER STALK! Obviously we live in an age where it’s very simple to find out exactly what our exes are doing and who they’re hanging out with. WHO CARES! They broke up with you and you shouldn’t give a crap what they’re doing. Trust me I know how tempting it is to just have a little look, and I won’t lie, I’ve looked, but after I did I regretted it. And to be honest I felt a little weak and defeated. My motto when it comes to exes is, “the less I know the better”.

• HAVE FUN. Right after breaking up with someone I know the last thing anyone wants to do is go out and see all the grossly cute couples on dates, being all cute, I get it. But my friends where my anchors after, they kept me so grounded and told me so many nice things and hated this person for me because at the time I couldn’t yet. (I have great friends) Going out and having fun with them made me do something I thought I wasn’t going to do again for a long time; laugh. If you are fortunate enough to have some great people in your life be grateful and don’t take them for granted. I know a lot of us get into relationships and sometimes put our friendships on the back burner, but that is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. (but that’s for another blog entry)

• BE ALONE. This I think is one of the hardest things for people to do, but just because you’re alone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you’re lonely, it just means that you’re comfortable alone and can spend time by yourself and be okay, which is something to be proud of. I’ve heard so many people use the quote, “to get over someone you have to get under someone else” as advice and that has to be the most horrible quote ever to use as advice! I’d say how about you get used to sleeping alone in your own bed comfortably before even thinking about looking for someone else. It’s important to let your emotional wounds heal properly instead of looking for a quick fix for the night.

• LISTEN TO BEYONCE. (self-explanatory)

And last, but certainly not least

• DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE. Just because one relationship with the person you thought was perfect didn’t work doesn’t mean future ones won’t either. There are so many love quotes and advice quotes I can reference here but instead I’m just gonna say, don’t let yourself become bitter about love. Let yourself grow and become a better version of you. Sure you can look back at past relationships and remember what not to do, but don’t ever compare your different relationships, that’s what inevitably what sinks them. Be open, let love come to you because I promise, when it’s time it’ll happen and it’ll be the greatest thing ever.

These are just a few things that have helped me and although it has taken me some time to accept love and be willing to love I’m finally in a place where I am completely at peace with who I am and I know what I deserve and I’m not settling for anything less than exactly that. And that’s not being smug or full of myself, it’s knowing my worth, and I’ve learned my worth.

All My Friends

Definition of friend (n)

• friend
• [ frend ]

Somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

The word friend has always been a word that I personally take very seriously, I will not call you my friend if I don’t consider you one, simple. For many the word friend isn’t really that important, I can tell it’s not important because they use it for everyone. If I meet you today and we hang out tomorrow, you are not my friend, you are my acquaintance, this doesn’t mean I don’t like you, I just means that I don’t know you.

I’ve always found it difficult to call someone that I’ve met through friends my friend, until however I have my own time with this person and form a bond with them that isn’t just about one person we know. I’ve known too many people that have decided that the wrong person is their new “bff” and they get screwed over so bad because they chose to trust a person that they don’t even know, it’s sad, but at the same time it’s a learning lesson and it’s one that I was lucky enough to experience at a very young age. Why do I consider myself lucky? Because a really horrible experience taught me a very important lesson that I’d never forget, it taught me to trust, but to trust with reason. It taught me to never settle when it came to who my friends were, it taught me that it’s okay to be a bit selective when choosing friends. Obviously, I don’t mean that it’s okay to be too picky (looks shouldn’t matter to you, if they do, you shouldn’t have any friends), but it’s okay to be selective about personality traits and whether or not you believe this person is a genuine one.

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t enjoy meeting new people or making friends, I think it’s one of the greatest things ever, but I don’t take it so lightly. I’m very careful in choosing whom I spend my time with, in the end if the friendship doesn’t work I don’t ever want to regret making someone my friend. I don’t want to spend countless hours getting to know someone who at the end of the day isn’t a good friend or person, this has happen way too many times. I know, there are some really great people out there who are genuinely good people but there are also really good actors and fakes who like to lie and talk about you when you’re not there. In my life so far, I’ve known more of these people than I could count, even with being as careful as I am.

Now, sure I’ve known and wasted time on some crappy people but I’ve also met some of the best people ever. Some of those people and I might not speak anymore, but that doesn’t mean I think that they are bad people, I think we just weren’t a good fit. I don’t hate them and I will always love them, our friendship just went out. I didn’t believe in the term “best friends” when I was younger, but a few people have made me believe and for that I‘m forever grateful.

My best friends are the people that no matter what I will always need and they will always need me, because we really, legitimately know each other. Not that 2 or 3 years kind of know, but that 10+ year know, the kind of know that you just can’t ever undo.  We’re the kind of friends that sometimes may drift, but never far enough to lose site of each other, or our friendship, we’re family at this point.

I guess my point is, never be a friend to someone who is just your acquaintance, know the difference between real and fake, and trust few. The fewer you trust the less likely the chances of you getting hurt. Get to know someone before you really trust them, don’t make the mistake so many before you have, or if you already have, learn from it and move on, don’t ever feel like you have to stay friends with someone, make your choices for you, never for anyone else.

Open Letter to my First Love, You Destroyed Me, Thank You.

The night we sat on my porch and you unraveled right in front of me, that was the night that I thought I’d tell everyone about when I told our story, little did I know that was the night that a new me starting brewing. You sat there and you went over the reasons we shouldn’t, maybe that was the first red flag I missed. “We’re such good friends, we shouldn’t” was among the many reasons, you were scared and that was okay. We did it anyway, started a relationship after being the best of friends for at least a year. We knew each other so well, we were open and ridiculously honest with each other, I loved that. The day my world broke you ran over and sat with me until I was okay, you held my hand and called me baby, in your arms I was home. You said forever and I wholeheartedly agreed. I guess our “forever” meant something different to each of us, we just weren’t clear. I would never speak ill of you because at one point you were my driving force, you were what I looked forward to the most. But you scared me, not in a menacing way, but in way where I felt like I needed you but you didn’t need me, and I was right. And that’s okay. When we broke up for the last time I remember the night and I remember the text and I remember the feeling. I asked you, “is this happening again?” and you replied a simple, “yeah.” And in that instant I was done. I called my best friend at the time and broke over the phone. Little did I know you had been feeling this for a while, you even told her that we weren’t meant for each other, and that’s okay.

Dear First Love, thank you, you destroyed me and taught me how to heal, you were my love lesson and knowing you and having to get over you has made me strong. This seems exaggerated, but when you fall in love for the first time, real love, you fall and you fall hard. In my mind and heart I had stopped looking. My search was over and yours had just begun. And that’s okay. While in this weird place of sadness and anger I still never spoke ill or hated you, I loved you. If there is one thing that can destroy a person it’s love, real, true, actual love, and that’s what happen to me. It was the hardest thing for like 2 weeks, I just couldn’t deal with anything, I couldn’t be bothered. Then something happen, it got easier and easier, until one day I saw you and I looked at you but I didn’t know you. That made me the saddest I’ve ever been but I didn’t break. Memories of us were my enemy and they were frequent but they made me forgive you. You were my best friend, you made my life really great for a few years and if there’s anything I miss its your friendship. When we broke up I didn’t only lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and that’s what killed me. I didn’t have anyone to randomly text throughout the day or anyone to watch dumb TV shows with, my best friend was gone and I didn’t know what to do.

I’ve now grown into what I would say is a pretty responsible young adult and I’ve taught myself so much about myself, things I couldn’t learn from you but I learned because of your absence. I’m content in knowing that although my heart was shattered at one point I’ve grown from it. I harbor no ill feeling towards you and always wish you the best, because I loved you. And a slight part of me will always care about your happiness. You were the best lesson I’ve ever had and I’d really like to thank you for teaching me that no matter how horrible I felt, I am able to pick myself up and be okay, by myself. So thank you, I hope that your life is filled with nothing but good times and people who love you, you deserve it, we both do.

Love,

GirlChurch.