Sometimes when I think about the day you died I get mad. I’m mad that you had an audience. I’m mad that there wasn’t anything else that anyone could do. Like that was just it.… More
In a time when cannabis has become increasingly popular, due to more and more people becoming educated and finally listening to the actual facts I’m here to give a few reasons to try if you’ve been thinking about. Now as most of us the first time I smoked pot I was in middle school and my crush had weed and asked me if I wanted to try it and I did. Initially I was scared, what was gonna happen? What was it going to feel like? As a teenager I didn’t like it, I felt to aware, borderline paranoid, I felt like every single person knew I was high and was judging me for it.
THAT’S WAS A VERY LONG TIME AGO.
Now, as an adult I part take pretty much every day, it’s actually helped me sort of know myself a bit better and I’m here to tell you that it could probably help you too and here are 17 examples how:
- Colors seem brighter
- My mood is better
- I’m nicer
- Stupid people are easier to ignore
- There’s this great roller coaster feeling you get if you get high enough
- I’m more open to sharing feelings
- Yoga feels 10x better!
- Ridiculous anxiety? GONE!
- Stressful things seem less stressful
- It got me through my ¼ life crisis
- Life is funnier
- It made dieting interesting
- Music sounds better (most)
- Its idea inducing!
- Awkwardness doesn’t really faze me.
- When I read high it’s easier to visualize what I’m reading
Now I’m certainly not here to pressure anyone into smoking ganja, I’m simply here to let you know that you aren’t a bad person if you do. Through the years there’s been so much negative backlash when it comes to smokers and all the stereotypes and stigmas that come with being what many refer to as a pothead, fuck that. I’ve been a medical patient for almost 2 years and a recreational pothead for about 8 years. I’m fully capable and functioning, I’m extremely responsible and do what I gotta do all while high. I choose to be very open with that fact that I smoke pot and I know how many people judge me when they find out, but I don’t care. As someone that’s been an anxious wreck since I was 9 I’m completely able to manage my anxiety with medical marijuana. I’ve tried the pills, NO THANKS. I enjoy being able to feel and want to continue doing so. This is obviously a very personal choice and I know for a fact that weed is going to get me farther than any pill can. So If you suffer from any type of anxiety, sleeping disorder, or hell, just want to kind of let go while still being in full control of yourself, and curious, try it. If you don’t like it, don’t do it again, but if you do and it helps, do it, do it proudly and know that your opinion is the only one that should matter to you.
Plus size, chubby, voluptuous, FAT. These are words that have been everywhere all my life, and not in a bad way every time. I can honestly say that I have no idea what it’s like to be continuously bullied for being overweight, of course there have been people that tried, tried and failed miserably. The one time I was called fat I felt like it should have hurt more, but I didn’t let it. I decided that day that the word fat wasn’t going to ever make me feel bad or sad or embarrassed. I took it and I used it and I made sure it felt like every other word. That made it kind of hard for potential bullies, you can’t hurt someone unless they let you. However, the person that was the worst on me had always been me. I was always my biggest bully. Thinking back it started in 6th grade, which was the first time I realized that I didn’t like myself and I would go on doing so secretly until I was around 19 almost 20. No one knew exactly how much I disliked being me, no one knew that I would spend so much time obsessed with the idea of not being me. As a teenager I had a lot of great friends, a supportive and open family and I always knew that I could talk to any of these people judgement free. But well, I’m not a big talker and expressing feelings didn’t come easy. Just because I could say the word fat didn’t mean I was okay with being fat. I taught myself how to hate myself without anyone around me finding out. A lot of the self-hate came from knowing I was fatter than most of the people my age and the fact that never really felt like I could pull off any of the clothing that was “in”. (Because yes, at 15, 16, and 17 you want to fit in, it’s a completely normal thing to want.) So I wore clothes that were usually muted and bland, you know, the things that fit fat girls. Things that were sort of squared because how dare someone this size wear something formfitting. That is until I went to my first Fat Girl Store, yes, this is the name I gave stores that carried plus size. I like to say Fat Girl Store in front of skinny people to make them feel weird, I know it’s horrible but it’s so funny. And then you get the, “omg you’re NOT fat”, and I’m just kind of like, yeah I am but whatever stop being weird. Anyways, I found this store at was I refer to as the best mall of all time, and I felt like thee most satisfying sigh and feeling of “finally” ever. The clothes were great, they were different, they fit and that was the most satisfying part. I felt like I could finally express myself fully through clothes, and I think that that’s what I needed. I remember the feeling of trying on jeans that stretched in all the right places and wanting to cry, it was a very poetic day for me.
The next best thing I did for myself was learn how to sew and alter my clothes to fit me, this something I still do to this day. There was a huge struggle to find plus sized skinny jeans that weren’t low rise in any store at one point, so I had to do it myself. I hated seeing other big girls sitting in those single desks in school with their ass hanging out because they only found skinny low rise jeans. So I’d buy my jeans from the fat girl store and customized them to fit me.
I started to notice that when I felt like I looked my best is when I felt the best. This is what I needed, I needed to know what made me feel good, and clothes made me feel good. CORRECTION; clothes that fit made me feel good. So I took that a ran with it, I wore what I wanted to wear, I followed trends whether or not they were “made for someone like me”, I chose not to care, I chose to say hey fuck all of you this is what I’m wearing, deal with it. There are articles of clothing that I still prefer not to wear and parts of my body that I rather not show but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have self-confidence, so don’t get it twisted, I don’t wear short skirts because that’s just not my style right now, I don’t wear spaghetti straps because I feel naked when I do and that’s not usually the feeling I’m going for, you know? But that’s also not to say that I’ll NEVER wear them, I mean there was a time in my life when I just didn’t wear jeans, I swore I hated them and well now that’s all I wear.
I guess my point is you don’t need excuses for what you like and what you don’t, fat fashion is a struggle as it is, don’t make it more complicated by limiting yourself. If you listen to the people that say you shouldn’t you’ll never have any fun. Make them uncomfortable with your curves, remember the fact that they’re uncomfortable is their own problem, not yours.
I joined a dating app for 4 hours today, it was exhausting. Dating apps are so intimidating! They scare me and I want them to go away now. We live in a time where so many relationships have been made possible thanks to dating apps, so my brave self finally decided to try one. You know I think the thing that frightens me most about dating apps is the fact that people I know in real life can see my profile, I mean it’s not like they’re going to judge me and if they do I don’t actually care, I just think that that’s an awkward conversation to have. The “oh hey I stumbled across your dating profile last night…” conversation, no thanks.
I envy the people that thrive on these dating apps though, there are some profiles that are just so thought out and make them seem so interesting, how do you do that?! Maybe I’m just not good at summarizing myself, maybe I feel like these apps are a great for a quick fix. Like they’re for people that find it easy to trust strangers, something I know I’m horrible at.
So within minutes of filling out this profile to the best of my abilities the messages, likes and visitors kept pouring in and it started to overwhelm me a bit honestly. I panicked, I felt like I had to be superficially interesting and interested, you know? The conversations start with a “HI” (insert heart eye emoji) or a “Hey Beautiful, send me a pic” and it’s like no, I don’t want to send you a picture you stranger! Small talk has always made me very uncomfortable, you know, the “so what’s your favorite color?” type conversations. I don’t get them. Then you refuse to send them a picture and suddenly you’re the worst person ever, how dare I not send this complete stranger a picture of myself when there’s one on my profile…WHAT? Why do these men feel like I owe them anything? WE’VE NEVER MET! So I deleted it. I couldn’t grasp the fact that so much was expected, and if it wasn’t delivered or it didn’t go their way I was a tease or bitch cause I didn’t completely trust this person behind the phone screen. I’m sure there are great people on these apps, somewhere, I just don’t have the patience to deal with the jerks and men that think I owe them something.
I yearn for simpler times when things were a bit more difficult, yes I just wrote that. It’s so easy now a days to find someone to spend the night with, but is that all we really want? I want insightful conversations with someone who thinks differently from me, someone who challenges me and doesn’t just go along with my ideas or opinions because it’s convenient. I truly believe that meaningful friendships and connections are much more soul fulfilling and needed. Sure, things that are easy can sometimes be great, but I think when you work for or towards a friendship or relationship it’s greater because you built it and it didn’t come easy and it took time. Why don’t we want greater for ourselves? Why are we settling for things that are just easy? I think we’ve become conditioned sort of, conditioned to aim for convenience rather than substance, I’m not sorry that I want substance. I’m not sorry that I want real. And this isn’t to say that there hasn’t been great relationships that come from these swipe apps but what we’re really doing is deciding that someone isn’t interesting based on an online profile and a selfie. I don’t know, maybe I’m old fashioned, maybe I’m just threatened by dating apps, maybe I need more, and that’s okay to want more. You should want the best for you and if you feel like you are settling, don’t. If you feel like you’re running out of time, you’re not. Want more for yourself because damn it you deserve it.
I recently rediscovered a very interesting video, a video about cat calling and street harassment, it made me think. I don’t think men truly understand how difficult it is for women to walk, anywhere.
Now before I start this I need to say that I am by no means saying that all men do this, I’m not talking about all men, I do know that there are different types of men and that not all men are “the same”.
The Vocativ channel on YouTube posted a video with the title “Street Harassment: Sidewalk Sleazebags and Metro Molesters” as I watched the video I became more and more angry. Not at the video but at the fact that every single woman has in her life experienced, first hand, everything this video is about. I became even more livid at the thought of the day that I have a niece or a daughter and that they will experience this horrible thing as well. Being blown kisses or being howled at is the worst feeling ever. We DO NOT find it endearing or cute, it’s uncomfortable and frankly, it’s fucking ridiculous how often it happens.
I will never in my life understand why some men think it’s okay to whistle at a woman who is walking by herself and is probably already dreading the amount of inappropriateness that’s waiting for her when she walks out her door. I shouldn’t have to be scared of walking to my bus stop or to the corner store, I shouldn’t feel the need to carry a pocket knife, and I shouldn’t have to be afraid to walk past a group of males when I’m alone, but I am. I don’t care what race they are and I don’t care if there’s 2 or 5, my experiences have taught me to be scared, and that, that is a damn shame. What are you expecting me to answer when you ask, “hey girl where you going?” Do you expect me to tell you? Has any woman ever answered that question for a random stranger? No. Whenever this happens to me or I witness it happen to anyone else the first thing that comes to mind is “Who raised you? Do you not have a mother? Are you mentally unfit to be out in public? Are your urges too much for you?”
Now the video also goes into what they called “Metro Molesters”, this is part that broke me. How can someone think that it is okay to physically touch a complete stranger, not only touch a stranger, but touch a stranger in public and get away with it?
This has however happened to me in a bar one night when I went out with a few friends. The night was going great until one friend got a bit too drunk and we had to leave, as we were leaving I went back to get my sweater that I left on the chair, as I went to catch up with my friends some random drunk guy decided it’d be cool to touch me. When I looked back to see who it was he looked back and as he walked away he smirked. You know the smirk, the sly smile that reads, “Yeah, I touched you and you aren’t going to do anything about it.” And I didn’t. I walked away feeling dirty, feeling like I had let myself down a little, regretting not saying or doing something. When I got home that night I kept seeing that smirk, seeing that boy with his dark eyes. I know how theatrical this may sound to some, but it’s such a degrading feeling, that there is no other way to describe it if you’ve never been through it. I went on a told a friend about it one day and that “friend” said, “Well he was probably just drunk” SO WHAT? So the fact that you’ve had a few sips of alcohol gives you the right to touch others where ever you’d like and you can just use the excuse, “oh I’m just drunk!” NO! It doesn’t, learn how to handle you liquor and how to keep your damn hands to yourself.
Another ridiculous excuse that so many people (not only men) have used is, “well maybe she shouldn’t be wearing such provocative clothes.” Excuse the hell out of me, but maybe you should learn how to control your sexual urges and mouth! Adults know the difference between wrong and right, we were taught at a very young age what’s acceptable and what’s not, how does a provocative outfit turn you into a complete animal? Get it together and stop making excuses for dirty men that can’t keep their rude comments to themselves.
I know that there are a very few women out there that think cat calls are nice, that these men are just admiring from afar, but they aren’t nice, or cute or amusing, they aren’t something to laugh off. Until you let these disgusting men know that their calls aren’t welcome nor accepted then it’s going to continue. I’m not saying to walk up to them and put yourself in any kind of danger, but don’t encourage them, cause when you laugh it off or smile back it makes them think that it’s okay and when one day your daughter walks down the street they’ll still think it’s okay, because you made it okay.
Introvert – a shy, reticent person.
Reticent- not revealing one’s thoughts or feeling readily.
All my life sharing feelings, thoughts and emotions has been a frightening concept. Talking face to face with someone about my “problems” has never been something I could easily do. I’ve tried so hard to understand how people can be so open about their inner most feelings. Sorry, but give me 10 years and then maybe I’ll open up to you…okay that was an exaggeration, but seriously, how do you trust so many people with so many thoughts and feelings? Now it’s not I’m embarrassed by what I feel or think I just don’t think I can eloquently express my thoughts or feelings in a face to face conversation. That’s not to say that I’ve never had a real ass conversation about thoughts and feelings it’s just that when I do I’m so uncomfortable with it (unless there’s been some sort of liquid or herbal encouragement). Public speaking has always made me turn this deep pink color in my cheeks, my beet colored face shows my embarrassment and it’s just never been something I could hide. I’ve always watched others while they’re speaking in public and wonder how the hell they do it, and honestly I’m somewhat jealous.
An Open Letter to My Extroverted Friends; I love you but also, I hate you.
I’m not sorry that I can go days or weeks without needing human contact and I’m not sorry that I can’t open up as quickly and as extravagant as you do. I’m also not sorry that I’m so quiet around those new people you brought me around or that I don’t live my life as loudly as you do. I am sorry though that you don’t understand me. I am sorry that you think I’m anti-social when really I’m just cautious. I’ve learned so many useful life lessons from being friends with extroverted people, and as much as I don’t understand you, I love you for that. I love that you aren’t afraid of being you as loudly and as vividly as you can. I love that you can read my face and social cues and save me from those very awkward situations you know I hate. Your courage and ease is something I will always envy. My love for you is greater than my second-hand embarrassment for you, and that’s’ really saying something, I mean, I can’t even watch shows like American Idol cause it’s so embarrassing. Please, just stop asking, “omg why are you so quiet?” and, “why are you turning red right now?” cause seriously that’s just gonna make me even more red or even quieter.
In conclusion, no, I do not hate extroverts, y’all just make me nervous, with your reckless emotional sharing, but I also love you for it.
First of all calm the hell down, I am well aware of the cloud of shame that is surrounding you right now along with so many questions. Is it gonna be weird? Am I a whore? OMG is he gonna tell anyone? He doesn’t expect a relationship right? Then BAM! The regret sets in. Chill, its okay and you will be okay. Second, what the hell is wrong with you? WHY? Seriously ask yourself why? I yelled at myself for 3 days straight after I slept with my coworker, and for another 3 days after I did it the second time. Lol. Now I’m going to try and help you with this very, very weird time in your life.
DON’T get weird, yes I get it, you are oh so clearly weirded out by this whole thing and chances are so is the other person, they were probably dreading seeing you just as much as you were them. So stop, steady your breathing and be cool. The easiest way to break tension is to make the other person laugh, think of something stupidly funny, break the ice and come in with the same attitude as every other day. The more at ease you seem the easier it’ll be for the other person to not be weird.
DON’T ignore the person, that’s just really impolite, like seriously. Avoidance is usually the main cause of weirdness, also they’re gonna think that they were bad at sex, and well even if they were you don’t want them to think that they were. RUDE.
DON’T gossip about it, I know, you really want to tell your work bff the whole thing, don’t. I mean come on there’s a reasons she or her is only your WORK bff, you don’t really know them like that, even if you think you do. Keep this shit to yourself. This is actually really important, if you do any of these make sure it’s this one, don’t be that person, don’t do that to yourself.
IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE PERSON, DO. Maybe you feel like talking about is something you need, so talk about, with the person it happen with. If you have questions, ask and let them do the same. The more open you are about the easier it will be to move on from it or move along from it.
REMEMBER– the other person probably feels sort of weird about it too, or maybe they don’t maybe it doesn’t even phase them, whatever the case may be make sure you don’t let your awkwardness about the situation make you say or do anything disrespectful to the other person, that’s not the kind of person you are.
I got my first real job when I was 19, I was fresh out if cosmetology school and I had decided that it wasn’t the profession for me, so instead I interviewed for an after school position and I got it. Since then I’ve spent 6 years of my life working with children and let me tell you, no two days have ever been the same. I’ve met every kind of kid there is to meet, the weird, the bad and the just plain evil, inevitably leading myself to wonder whether or not I actually want children of my own. Here are a few things I’ve learned about kids:
- Kids are the most honest little beings ever!
- If a kid ever tells you to smell their hand, DO NOT DO IT!
- Kids do not know how to lie. (this just might be an acquired skill)
- Kids know where your buttons are and they will push them, they will push you.
- Kids control their parents.
- They are always listening, they are like little sneaky spies with amazing hearing.
- Kids are completely aware that they indeed are kids, and will use it against you.
- Kids are hilarious!
- If a child hates you, don’t even try.
- They form cliques way earlier than you’d guess.
- That facial expression you just made towards that dumb person, they saw it.
- They learn how to blackmail in the 2nd grade.
- You can definitely have intellectual conversations with some.
- The weird ones are always the most understanding ones.
- Kids are mean.
- Kids need time to be kids.
As much as I might dread going to work some days I genuinely enjoy doing what I do, these children have really kind of put a lot into perspective for me. There are those kids that will always like to be the class challenge but most of these kids are unknowingly hilarious, caring, and just plain great, even if they do start a school wide rumor that you have a crush on the principal. Don’t worry I’m already planning my retaliation, after all that is what school Halloween haunted houses are for. Kidding, not really.
Over think everything
Secretly judge that girl next to us (not always in a bad way)
Ask questions when we already know the answer
Hang out with that one friend we don’t really enjoy
Buy shoes that hurt
Wear fake eyelashes even though they are so hard to maintain throughout the damn night (this might just be me)
Watch rom-coms and then get angry that our lives aren’t rom-coms (romantic comedies)
Listen to Ed Sheeran or any sad song playlist (I genuinely love him and his poetically beautiful masterpieces)
Try and change and/or “save” guys
Make wedding playlists (might just be me again)
Cyber stalk old friends, exes, any and everyone else, aka snoop
Read old text message/e-mail/IM conversations and become sad
Buy that one lipstick that’s maybe a tad bit too bold for you, and you know you’ll wear it maybe once and never again, but you buy it anyway
Exude indecisiveness, even when we know exactly what we want
Have trouble letting go
Care, so much, about people we probably shouldn’t
NEVER date anyone with the name Jimmy Angelo
Bulgarian men scare me.
It’s okay to drug your boyfriend to get a little shut eye.
As fun as it seems being the wild sister, I’m totally okay with being the boring one.
Midnight margaritas will make ANY situation better. (excluding death, of course)
White kids in small towns are horrible people.
Ticking beetles are murderers.
My first spell (the love charm, oh come on! you did it too!)
Contrary to popular belief, YOU CAN DIE FROM A BROKEN HEART!
“Be careful what you wish for”
You Are Always on My Mind is a very, very scary song.
Never try and bring someone back from the dead.
Don’t use too much poison when I try to knock someone else. (THEY’LL DIE!)
CRY. I cannot tell you how important this was for me. I’ve always thought that crying made you this weak person that couldn’t control themselves or their emotions, but I was so wrong. There is no better feeling than the one that comes after a good cry, I’m talking an ugly cry, a cry so epic that after, you have this huge feeling of relief. Best free therapy, no contest.
TALK! If you’re anything like me, you hate talking to people about your feelings and you probably feel icky just thinking about of having to explain what you feel to someone, I get it. Sometimes there are no words, but there are nights when taking just feels right (alcohol is usually involved on these nights) use those days and take advantage!
WRITING. For me, writing is the best way to express myself. The things I write I could never say or articulately explain. I keep 6 notebooks, a twitter account full of nonsense and a tumblr blog, and I use all of those outlets to write.
CLEANSE. Don’t keep things that remind you of this person, get rid of everything. This was one of my mistakes, I kept things, things I thought meant something, in the end they just reminded me of him and the things we did. As soon as I got rid of everything I felt this weight lift and I felt like I could breathe and I wasn’t scared of the top of my closet anymore.
DON’T CYBER STALK! Obviously we live in an age where it’s very simple to find out exactly what our exes are doing and who they’re hanging out with. WHO CARES! They broke up with you and you shouldn’t give a crap what they’re doing. Trust me I know how tempting it is to just have a little look, and I won’t lie, I’ve looked, but after I did I regretted it. And to be honest I felt a little weak and defeated. My motto when it comes to exes is, “the less I know the better”.
HAVE FUN. Right after breaking up with someone I know the last thing anyone wants to do is go out and see all the grossly cute couples on dates, being all cute, I get it. But my friends where my anchors after, they kept me so grounded and told me so many nice things and hated this person for me because at the time I couldn’t yet. (I have great friends) Going out and having fun with them made me do something I thought I wasn’t going to do again for a long time; laugh. If you are fortunate enough to have some great people in your life be grateful and don’t take them for granted. I know a lot of us get into relationships and sometimes put our friendships on the back burner, but that is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. (but that’s for another blog entry)
BE ALONE. This I think is one of the hardest things for people to do, but just because you’re alone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you’re lonely, it just means that you’re comfortable alone and can spend time by yourself and be okay, which is something to be proud of. I’ve heard so many people use the quote, “to get over someone you have to get under someone else” as advice and that has to be the most horrible quote ever to use as advice! I’d say how about you get used to sleeping alone in your own bed comfortably before even thinking about looking for someone else. It’s important to let your emotional wounds heal properly instead of looking for a quick fix for the night.
LISTEN TO BEYONCE. (self-explanatory)
DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE. Just because one relationship with the person you thought was perfect didn’t work doesn’t mean future ones won’t either. There are so many love quotes and advice quotes I can reference here but instead I’m just gonna say, don’t let yourself become bitter about love. Let yourself grow and become a better version of you. Sure you can look back at past relationships and remember what not to do, but don’t ever compare your different relationships, that’s what inevitably what sinks them. Be open, let love come to you because I promise, when it’s time it’ll happen and it’ll be the greatest thing ever.